The 30 Best GN'R Songs Ever

You can look back at the years between 1987 and 1991 and completely cringe at the fads and cultural contributions we experienced as we transitioned from the Rocky'n Reagan era to the Clintonian Potpourri that would define the remainder of the 90's (Which historians obviously agree was the greatest decade ever). We re-watched Howard The Duck until our VHS copies snapped. We knew we arrived when we had a vertical Z.Cavaricci label over our zipper. We were Never Gonna Give Rick Astley Up. We were enamored by a show where Michael Landon was an "Angel on probation" for 6 years and spent one long summer Stopping, Collaborating and Listening. Even the legendary George Harrison wasn't immune to the cultural dumpster fire.

But not all that glittered was garbage.

There was Guns N' Roses.

From the groundbreaking release of  Appetitie For Destruction  through their crowning achievements Use Your Illusions I and Use Your Illusions II, there was a half-decade stretch where what one could argue was the last great,  take-no-prisoners rock'n roll band gave us some of the finest balls-out rock that we'd ever hear in our lifetimes. Emerging from the ashes of glam rock and hair metal, and before the Seattle Rising, the Guns broke the mold on what we had come to expect from just about every classic rock n'roll album we bought since The Wall. 

While we were only blessed with the aforementioned three albums and the re-release of and EP made up of covers and acoustic live tracks in that period (as far as I'm concerned, the Spaghetti Accident Incident never happened), the original and (after a drummer swap) almost original Guns N' Roses lineup left an indelible mark on the shared rock experience of music aficionados born somewhere between Watergate and the death of John Belushi.
 
As most great things must come to an end, we were deprived of additional albums and tours throughout our adulthood, but that's on the precipice of changing with a confirmed headline at Coachella (Which admittedly I'm still not sure what EXACTLY that is, all I know is that it gave me one of the 10 best youtube clips ever) and strong rumors of a North American Stadium Tour, it's becoming clearer and clearer that the greatest resurrection in AT LEAST 1,982 years is about to take place. In honor of the reunion to end all reunions, and the thirty year anniversary of the band's 1986 formation, here are the Top Thirty Guns N' Roses songs of all time.


In lieu of thirty annoying YouTube clips, you can listen to the playlist in its entirety here if you're a Google Music subscriber. (And you should be, if you had your own digital music collection before streaming became the norm)

#30. The Garden (Use Your Illusions I) I remember thinking how cool it would be if the New York Rangers used this as their "official" anthem taking the ice before home games at Madison Square Garden. They didn't. And proceeded to choke in the playoffs that year.

#29. Knocking On Heaven's Door (Use Your Illusions II)  If ever there was a song written by Bob Dylan to be perfectly covered by another artist, well, it was definitely "All Along the Watchtower" and Jimi Hendrix. But a close second would have to be "Knockin'". 

#28. Coma (UYI1) One of, if not the most underrated tracks the band ever recorded. Primarily a Slash creation, Axl's finishing touches and lyrics combine to give this a feeling of an homage to earlier extended musical epics like "Shine on You Crazy Diamond" or "The End".

#27. Rocket Queen (Appetite For Destruction) Musical Pornography. Literally. I have some friends who would rank this song much higher. I just can't put it above any of the next twenty six.

#26. You're Crazy (AFD) This won't be the only song to appear twice. I remember loving the frenetic nature of this when I first heard the album. A little later, I'd prefer it slowed down a bit.

#25. 14 Years (UYI2) I've had many a discussion over drinks at all hours of the day as to whether Appetite or Illusions 2 was the band's best album. Many of these arguments have been with myself. Among the stronger evidence in favor of UYI2 is the vocal collaborations and the uniqueness they offer the record as a whole. Izzy Stradlin completely owns this track.

#24. You Could Be Mine (UYI2) - Enjoy this a hell of a lot more than "Terminator 2", of which it was featured in. However, because of the T2 connection, this song was released months ahead of the official album release. We basically went from Thanksgiving 1988 to Memorial Day 1991 without any NEW Guns N Roses. I'm not sure if this band is familiar with substance abuse and what happens when a junkie can't find his fix, but getting new GN'R to kick off the summer before I started high school was a much needed RX.

#23. Live And Let Die (UYI1) You better be really talented or really arrogant if you think you can cover both Dylan AND Paul McCartney on widely released albums. No arguments on both counts. I credit this track with making me interested in Sir Paul's post-breakup work. I still prefer Lennon.

#22. Don't Cry (Original) (UYI1)
#21. Don't Cry (Alternate) (UYI2) - Really splitting hairs here, I slightly prefer the condescending nature of the Alternate version. Regardless, the lasting impact of this fantastic ballad was the introduction to Shannon Hoon, which in turn led me to eventually purchase "Blind Melon" when it was released, which eventually became one of the best purchases I ever made.

#20. So Fine (UYI2) See #25 and swap Izzy Stradlin for Duff McKagan. I have friends who think this song is a total joke. I have friends who love it. I find both statements to be wholesomely true. Yes, it is chock full of unintentional comedy lyrically and vocally. But after an estimated 5500 listenings, you can't help but admire it. Some of my friends may disagree, but my friends, they always come through for meeaaaaaah.

#19. Out Ta Get Me (AFD) When I make Top "X" Lists, I've always assigned items an A/B/C/D grade to start and then sort from within the grades. (Note that "D" doesn't mean the same as it would in school, just that it's in the lower 1/4 - give or take - of all items under consideration). Anyway, this was the line of demarcation between "C" and "B", moving from "Very Good" to "Great". It's just a coincidence that it falls on the nice even line between 20 and 19. Point being, we're moving into some pretty heady territory. Sometimes it's easy to forget where you're going.

#18. Used To Love Her (GN'R Lies) - I was in sixth grade when I first heard this song. Got "Lies" from Santa that year. Twelve years old, eight years into a 10 year sentence to a Catholic Madrasa, still very indoctrinated. In a jolly, upbeat acoustic act Axl sings "I used to love her, but I had to kill her". My conscience said "He's singing about killing his girlfriend, that's a mortal sin!!!!" But then the first signs of the stronger, more logical inner voice in my head said "Fuck it man, it's Rock N Roll". Was a weird mix of relieved and disappointed to eventually find out it was about Axl having to put his dog down.

#17. Paradise City (AFD) Because every great band in the 1980's needed a go-to Strip Club song.

#16. Get In The Ring (UYI2) Personal and inside memories elevate this song on my list much higher than it likely should be. But let's just say it's probably not the best tune to belt out word for word after 8 hours of drinking in your early twenties on a family-oriented bus trip to Yankee Stadium.

#15. Nightrain (AFD) There have been better songs written about drinking. That's an assumption, because I don't know if I've heard them before.

#14. One In A Million (LIES) Tread lightly here, I should. But screw it. I'll step on the third rail. If you're unfamiliar with how, um, interesting this song can be, read this 1992 article or at least do a CTRL+F on "One in a Million". Let me first say that the language and slurs used in this track are deplorable and have no use in the modern dialect. And I'll add that there's no way in hell this song gets released by this band (or any) in 2015. But what I admire about it is the raw emotion, the bluntness in which Rose describes his arrival in seedy mid-80's Los Angeles from lillywhite rural Indiana. To say it was a culture shock would be underselling it, it might as well have been a different planet. Much like watching "All in the Family" today, you can't quite get where it's coming from and your first instinct is to be appalled at some of the language. But in terms of first person perspective from what is now considered a much different time, this is artistic brilliance. Or, maybe Axl was just a blatantly ignorant homophobic racist and I'm giving him too much credit.  

#13. Yesterdays (UYI2) I've long felt that you can get better life lessons - and be a better person - by absorbing certain rock'n roll lyrics rather than reading the Bible, Torah, Koran, the Noble Eightfold Path or The Catcher in the Rye. "Yesterdays" is one of those songs. The whole song is one giant lesson on moving forward and not allowing yourself to wallow in the past. A much cooler and bad ass version of Fleetwood Mac's "Tomorrow". How gangster would it have been if Bill Clinton used THIS as a campaign song?

#12. You're Crazy (LIES)  Yes. The acoustic/"Lies" version of this tune is THAT much better. I always wished I was remotely musically inclined because I'd have loved to play this exact song in the middle of a dorm suite in college at 2 in the morning with a can of cheap beer at my foot and a Parliament burning in the ash tray.

#11. My Michelle (AFD)  The last of the songs graded "B", and again, I swear it wasn't intended to be broken up into even tens. Recently read Slash's autobiography. Michelle sounds like just the gem you'd imagine she did after listening to this.

#10. Welcome to the Jungle (AFD) And we enter the pantheon. This may very well be the greatest pure rock anthem ever recorded. It's one of those songs you know the first time you hear it how special it'll be. In a sense I find it comparable to Springsteen's "Born in the USA" in the sense that the masses hear it and think it's something completely different from what the lyrics and composition suggest. Gritty and honest, it's stood the test of time.

#9. Patience (LIES) What a welcome departure from the incessantly dreary break-up songs of it's day. Ever been around a bunch of people drinking and singing along to this? The anticipation in the buildup as the bridge is ending and the repetition of "a little patience" rises as everyone prepares to belt out "I'VE BEEN WALKING THESE STREETS AT NIGHT...." Also, there's always that one person who can't whistle for shit. That's usually me.

#8. It's So Easy (AFD) Ah, sweet memories. The routine when I was a young child just discovering music would be to play "the big single" or "known songs" 100 times before exploring the rest of the album. And I did this in the cassette era, which was exponentially more difficult than the vinyl, 8-Track, CD and especially MP3 era. The first time I let it roll after "Jungle" into this iconic song I was just humming along, nodding my head, and then it came: "I see you sitting there, you think you're sooooo cool. Why don't you just.......F U CK  O F F !!!!!!". Holy shit! I have an album with curses on it! Life was forever changed. Though I quickly learned, being eleven years old in a house with three younger siblings that if I wanted to keep the cassette, blasting this was not an option. But boy, when I got my driver's license.....

#7. Sweet Child O' Mine (AFD) Take some of the most romantic lyrics ever written and let these guys have their way with it and you get this masterpiece. Everything about this song is pure beauty. The picture that's painted of "Sweet Child", the sheer bellows that Axl lets out, the "Where Do We Go?" and of course, arguably the greatest guitar intro in the history of recorded music.      

#6.Civil War (UYI2)  When I was in college, between 1995-1999, there was a local brewpub that  became a game-changer to my friends and I. What do you mean that all beer doesn't have to taste like very cold piss? Move over Milwaukee's Best! To this day most of us are quite selective in our choice of beers. Alas, the Mountain Valley Brewpub was too far ahead of it's time. They were TOO ahead of the craft beer explosion. There wasn't enough of an appreciation to sustain. Now of course, the downtown area where she was is littered with pubs offering nothing but craft. That's "Civil War" to me. A song of great political importance, reflecting on the lessons of Vietnam and warning against blindly following ill-intended leaders and being easily manipulated by propaganda didn't resonate in the early 1990s. We didn't remember Vietnam, and Gulf War I lasted about as long as Dances With Wolves. But push that up by a decade and it fit brilliantly in the post-9/11 Bush-Era paranoia that gripped this country. It will just never be recognized for it.

#5. Mr. Brownstone (AFD) There have been other songs written about heroin abuse before Brownstone. But to this day, and encompassing the bombardment of music written about the drug after it took so many artists from us in the 90's and beyond, I don't think a song has ever captured the regression of addiction the way the guys do on this track. What I've found more interesting as time goes on is how the band comes off as arrogant in so much of their music but they so openly expose and express their vulnerabilities in "Mr. Brownstone". Fantastic song.

#4. Breakdown (UYI2)  There's a very good chance that if you asked 10,000 diehard GN'R fans to rank their 30 favorite songs, nobody may have "Breakdown" higher than me. And I don't care. The song's got everything. Clever lyrics. Relevant subject matter. Insanely sharp vocals. Slash playing a freakin' BANJO. Every verse ends with such strong prose. Get's a little jumpy at the end but the final verse is among the best music I've ever heard.

#3. November Rain (UYI1)   Simply put, the song that eventually broke the band up. Dare I say it was almost worth it? There's an interesting moral dilemma for you: Would you rather November Rain never recorded and have another 25 years of GN'R? Or were you willing to live with the extended breakup for having this gem for eternity. As strange as it sounds, I'm in the latter camp. Everything about this song is amazing. And for 24 autumns now I have played this on the medium du jour the first time I noticed precipitation in the eleventh month of the year.

#2. Think About You (AFD) A perfect example of how timeless Appetite is. 8 years after it's release, I'm a senior in high school. Hormones going wild, world is my oyster, all that jazz. All I needed was a weekend, a half a tank of gas and this girl I was dating at the time and I was good to go. Despite a heavy diet of Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Weezer and Green Day, this track was one of the preeminent songs that I associated with that budding relationship. It was the lead track on the first of more than a few mix tapes I made her. After all, even in the ever-changing tastes of The American Teenager, GN'R was a constant. And 21 years after I recoded that mixed tape, we're still together. Which is more than I can say for Axl, Slash and the boys...until now.

#1. Estranged. Not just the greatest Guns N' Roses song of all time. The greatest song of all time period. If you talk to anyone who REALLY loved GN'R in their day, as in "over the last 30 years I've owned these assholes on vinyl, cassette, bought Appetite on CD five times and once on iTunes" loved them, they'll tell you the same thing. A few years ago I polled five of my friends who love the Guns the way I do on their top 10 songs. There was a lot of diversity between 2-10. #1 was unanimous. Over the years on social media I'll see other people reference it as well. Nine minutes and twenty four seconds of pure genius. In every way, shape of form. The ultimate composition. The bass line is mesmerizing. The drum is brilliant. Slash bleeds. Axl's range is out of this world and the lyrics are second to none.

I can't wait to hear it live this summer.

Five For Friday: Resurrecting The Chains

Though I'm yet to make the pilgrimage, my heart was warmed greatly when I learned that after a near 20 year absence, Roy Rogers was returning to my neck of the woods. There was always something about Roy's that separated it from the big boys like McDonald's, Burger King and Wendy's. Maybe it was the ability to get fried chicken or roast beef. Maybe it was the fries. Oh, those glorious steak fries. Most likely though, it was the Fixin's Bar. The world was your oyster when you approached that buffet of opportunity. Sauces. Vegetables. Garnishments. Seeing Burger King's "Your Way Right Away" and going all-in.

In honor of Roy's Return, here's 5 other defunct chains and franchises from yesteryear I'd love to see make a come back.

5. SERVICE MERCHANDISE

Technically this still exists on the internet as a web-based only retailer, though their website looks like an old user-made geocities site from 1998. But if you remember getting the Service Merchandise Christmas Catalog in the fall during the 1980's, you know how awesome this business was. It was basically Amazon or Ebay, except you had to drive there. It was online shopping before the internet. You'd go into one of their (generally poorly kept) locations, fill out a form the item you wanted - toys, watches, car stereos, binoculars, bath robes, you name it. Then you'd go to the front of the store and your items would arrive on a conveyor belt. For a while I was convinced they had Oompa Loompahs in the back working some sort of magic. Alas, in the 21st century there appeared to be no need to drive to a warehouse so you could get a tennis racket and a VCR in the same location.

4.CRAZY EDDIE. 

Truth be told, I only have one memory of ever being inside a Crazy Eddie. And that might actually have been a Trader Horn or Tops anyway. But oh, those commercials. It wasn't  a weekday afternoon of cartoons (or suffering through a Little House on the Prairie episode while waiting for cartoons) without the Crazy Eddie commercials. Who could resist a middle aged dude going apeshit and smacking himself in the head with a rubber hammer? Also didn't hurt that he was the third "Eddie" I ever met after myself and my father. Even had a nun in the 5th grade who called me "Crazy Eddie". She was kind of a bitch. Regardless, who cares if Crazy Eddie was basically the Enron of the 1980s, those commercials WERE INSANE. You just don't find that kind of charm in a Best Buy, where it doesn't matter if you buy a bottle of Sprite or a 72 inch LED TV, some troglodyte is gonna accost you upon exist and search your bags and demand a receipt.

3. GRAND UNION. 

All supermarkets kind of suck in their own way. When a new chain comes to town, or an existing one undergoes a renovation, it seems refreshing and unique for a couple of months. Then you realize, no, this sucks like the rest of them. But Grand Union was especially shit-tastic. Habitually over-priced, regularly filthy and understaffed, the GU was a distaster. But it was a beautiful disaster. I include this on the list for selfish reasons. I was a GU Deli Clerk for two years while in college, some of the best years of my semi-charmed life. Seeing the creatures that made that whole operation work - or actually - collapse, was a daily treat for an uninvested and uninspired hourly employee who was confused as to why he had to pay union dues to make 28 cents per hour above minimum wage. I was there for two of the final three years of it's existence and watching the corporate Yes Men frenetically try and change the failing fortunes was enough to cement my belief that I was in no way, shape or form cut out for a career in corporate America. The produce manager took 45 minutes to walk from one end the store to the other. The bakery clerk, who was also the pharmacist for many of the younger employees, quit to become a Tibetian Monk. The deli manager was actually illiterate. The shopping cart wrangler would wander the aisles blurting out lines from contemporary movies like "GIMME BACK MY SON" and thought the funniest thing he ever saw was a lobster that he thought looked like former First Lady Barbara Bush. I think I smell a future entry on my Grand Union experience the more I think about it. 

2. CHILD WORLD.

I include Child World not because it was this mystical and magical emporium full of toys, candy, games and a magical panda bear wearing overalls in the days before Meghan's Law. No, I'd love to see Child World resurrected so today's youth can know the depths of childhood disappointment when your parents say they're taking you to the toy store and you end up in Child World after thinking all day/week/however long that you were going to Toys R Us. CW was to Toys R Us what the Go Bots were to Transformers, or Fleer baseball cards were to Topps: the overwhelmingly inferior competition that you were embarrassed to tell your friends about. Last year's toys. Items thrown across the floors, half-empty shelves.  A "Book" section! Who wanted to go to the toy store and shop for books?!?!?!?!

1. BRADLEES.

O Bradless, Where Art Thou? Done in by the War of Wal-Mart aggression and allegedly cleaner department stores like Target and Kohl's, Bradlees lasted as long in this millenium as peace and prosperity did. Quality goods weren't necessarily their forte, but you could stretch a buck in Bradlees unlike any other department store I can ever remember. Also helps that I purchased Slippery When Wet there in 1986. On vinyl. And not because vinyl was hip either. Music. Clothes. Toys. Home goods. The most fantastic snack bar ever - serving Icee drinks and popcorn from open to close. And ooh that smell. Bradlees had this omnipresent scent that was so pervasive it clung to any clothing you bought there through multiple washings and dryings (But you never wanted to throw Bradleeswear in the dryer unless you bought them 3 sizes to big in the first place). I can only assume it was a proprietary fragrance pumped into all warehouses, shipping containers and retail locations. If you, or anyone you know has any information on where I can acquire a bottle of Eu de Bradlee, please reach out and hook a brother up. Until then, I'll be right here waiting for Bradlees Resurrection.

All I Can Say Is That My Life Is Pretty Plain

This is it. The home stretch. Exactly one year and six months from today, I will complete my fortieth trip around the sun.  Frankly, it's a little terrifying. I've always looked at forty as a benchmark that stood out among all others. The line of demarcation between young and old. Second base, the fifty yard line, the Second Inauguration. Maybe because it's I vividly remember my parents turning forty. Heck, I was already sneaking bottles of booze and buying cigarettes when that happened, so it REALLY doesn't seem that long ago. Perhaps it's because folks in their twenties are routinely considered young, turning thirty is full of "You're best days are still ahead of you" encouragement, while turning 50 or 60 has the perception of "Well yeah, you're old".

But forty? Shit man, while it's not time for the AARP Card, it sure as heck ain't young.

I'm already dealing with blood pressure medication, 20 Year High School Reunions, having to stretch my Achilles Tendon before I get out of bed in the morning, wondering if it would be too obvious if I started using Just For Men at this point and leaving baseball games early "to beat the traffic".

I've traded beer pong for golf and tie dyed t-shirts for collared polos - and not just on Christmas. Like, on a random night out for a casual meal. The last auto I purchased had to be affordable and fuel efficient. As she comes to her natural end, I've lined up replacements with qualifications like "roomy" and "easy to get into". 

And if that's not bad enough, this happened:

A very big piece of my soul died when I saw that. Arguably the most iconic song of my senior year in high school is now being used to pimp a freakin Honda minivan? And even grandpa's singing along? So. Not. Cool. My initial reaction upon seeing this was something between Brad Pitt's "What's in the box?" and Darth Vader when he learns of Padame's death.

Ever since I was a wee lad - which it's getting more and more obvious was quite some time ago - I've had an infatuation with the idea of generations. It was much easier growing up though. My parents were baby boomers - they of the Beatles on Ed Sullivan-turned Woodstock attending draft card burners-turned devout capitalist Reaganite generation. Even if none of that fit my parents narrative.

Their parents were what I knew as "The World War II Generation" until Tom Brokaw cut his Oedipus Complex with Viagra and deemed them "The Greatest Generation". You couldn't say ANYTHING bad about The Greatest Generation, after all, THEY LIBERATED EUROPE FROM TYRANNY!!!! And then came back home, sprawled into suburbia, lost control of their young and escalated the Vietnam War before retiring with a full pension from wherever they worked and becoming the sweetest, gentlest grandparents the world had ever seen.

And nowadays you can't read or watch a damn thing without the term Millennial shoved down your throat. Because Millenials do everything. They've redefined urban America, they've swung elections, they've become the judge, jury and executioner on all products, brands and services and there's countless other unfounded and straight up lies about their impact and societal worth, because hey, people love to talk about themselves. (As I intend to prove)

And then there's me. Websters...er...Wikipedia tells me that I'm part of Generation X, since I fall into an arbitrary group of people born between 1961 and 1981. I don't dispute those findings, as I've said many times that I relate in generational experiences more with people born fifteen years before me than I do with those born seven or eight years after me. But having said all of that, when you subdivide a generation, I find the "fourth quarter" of GenX to be "my people". And My People are on the precipice of one of life's turning points.

I've dabbled in internet writing/blogging many times since the medium was invented but have yet to be able to find that one topic I could even pass myself off as an expert on. Well, maybe early millennium politics but when everyone else realized George W Bush was an unmitigated disaster who broke the world, railing against him seemed pointless since it was like writing about how blue the sky was, or how I thought water was essential to human life forms. I'm a huge baseball fan but got lapped by the new era of advanced statistics that brought baseball analysis from bar-stool debates to an esoteric series of spreadsheets and algebra. Lots of fucking algebra. I adore music, film and television but for Christ's sake, is there anything about any of the arts that hasn't been written about ad nauseam?

One concept that always piqued my interest though was "The Mommy Blog". Always thought it was a novel idea. An often talented writer would share her experiences as they happened, often to the benefit of readers undergoing a similar life-altering event. But wouldn't ya know, I'm not, nor have ever been (or plan to be) a Mommy.  Heck, I'm not even a Daddy.

I am approaching middle age, however. And my people are to. We didn't storm Normandy and we don't remember where we were when Kennedy died. But we didn't grow up with the internet and we remember using the yellow pages. We're not quite the Winona Ryder/Ethan Hawke slice of Generation X, but now we're the ones cooking the holiday meals. Over the next 18 months and beyond I hope to share my experiences and reflect on the journey that brought a generation to the threshold of this anti-puberty. Hopefully I rub you the right way.