Five For Friday: Resurrecting The Chains

Though I'm yet to make the pilgrimage, my heart was warmed greatly when I learned that after a near 20 year absence, Roy Rogers was returning to my neck of the woods. There was always something about Roy's that separated it from the big boys like McDonald's, Burger King and Wendy's. Maybe it was the ability to get fried chicken or roast beef. Maybe it was the fries. Oh, those glorious steak fries. Most likely though, it was the Fixin's Bar. The world was your oyster when you approached that buffet of opportunity. Sauces. Vegetables. Garnishments. Seeing Burger King's "Your Way Right Away" and going all-in.

In honor of Roy's Return, here's 5 other defunct chains and franchises from yesteryear I'd love to see make a come back.

5. SERVICE MERCHANDISE

Technically this still exists on the internet as a web-based only retailer, though their website looks like an old user-made geocities site from 1998. But if you remember getting the Service Merchandise Christmas Catalog in the fall during the 1980's, you know how awesome this business was. It was basically Amazon or Ebay, except you had to drive there. It was online shopping before the internet. You'd go into one of their (generally poorly kept) locations, fill out a form the item you wanted - toys, watches, car stereos, binoculars, bath robes, you name it. Then you'd go to the front of the store and your items would arrive on a conveyor belt. For a while I was convinced they had Oompa Loompahs in the back working some sort of magic. Alas, in the 21st century there appeared to be no need to drive to a warehouse so you could get a tennis racket and a VCR in the same location.

4.CRAZY EDDIE. 

Truth be told, I only have one memory of ever being inside a Crazy Eddie. And that might actually have been a Trader Horn or Tops anyway. But oh, those commercials. It wasn't  a weekday afternoon of cartoons (or suffering through a Little House on the Prairie episode while waiting for cartoons) without the Crazy Eddie commercials. Who could resist a middle aged dude going apeshit and smacking himself in the head with a rubber hammer? Also didn't hurt that he was the third "Eddie" I ever met after myself and my father. Even had a nun in the 5th grade who called me "Crazy Eddie". She was kind of a bitch. Regardless, who cares if Crazy Eddie was basically the Enron of the 1980s, those commercials WERE INSANE. You just don't find that kind of charm in a Best Buy, where it doesn't matter if you buy a bottle of Sprite or a 72 inch LED TV, some troglodyte is gonna accost you upon exist and search your bags and demand a receipt.

3. GRAND UNION. 

All supermarkets kind of suck in their own way. When a new chain comes to town, or an existing one undergoes a renovation, it seems refreshing and unique for a couple of months. Then you realize, no, this sucks like the rest of them. But Grand Union was especially shit-tastic. Habitually over-priced, regularly filthy and understaffed, the GU was a distaster. But it was a beautiful disaster. I include this on the list for selfish reasons. I was a GU Deli Clerk for two years while in college, some of the best years of my semi-charmed life. Seeing the creatures that made that whole operation work - or actually - collapse, was a daily treat for an uninvested and uninspired hourly employee who was confused as to why he had to pay union dues to make 28 cents per hour above minimum wage. I was there for two of the final three years of it's existence and watching the corporate Yes Men frenetically try and change the failing fortunes was enough to cement my belief that I was in no way, shape or form cut out for a career in corporate America. The produce manager took 45 minutes to walk from one end the store to the other. The bakery clerk, who was also the pharmacist for many of the younger employees, quit to become a Tibetian Monk. The deli manager was actually illiterate. The shopping cart wrangler would wander the aisles blurting out lines from contemporary movies like "GIMME BACK MY SON" and thought the funniest thing he ever saw was a lobster that he thought looked like former First Lady Barbara Bush. I think I smell a future entry on my Grand Union experience the more I think about it. 

2. CHILD WORLD.

I include Child World not because it was this mystical and magical emporium full of toys, candy, games and a magical panda bear wearing overalls in the days before Meghan's Law. No, I'd love to see Child World resurrected so today's youth can know the depths of childhood disappointment when your parents say they're taking you to the toy store and you end up in Child World after thinking all day/week/however long that you were going to Toys R Us. CW was to Toys R Us what the Go Bots were to Transformers, or Fleer baseball cards were to Topps: the overwhelmingly inferior competition that you were embarrassed to tell your friends about. Last year's toys. Items thrown across the floors, half-empty shelves.  A "Book" section! Who wanted to go to the toy store and shop for books?!?!?!?!

1. BRADLEES.

O Bradless, Where Art Thou? Done in by the War of Wal-Mart aggression and allegedly cleaner department stores like Target and Kohl's, Bradlees lasted as long in this millenium as peace and prosperity did. Quality goods weren't necessarily their forte, but you could stretch a buck in Bradlees unlike any other department store I can ever remember. Also helps that I purchased Slippery When Wet there in 1986. On vinyl. And not because vinyl was hip either. Music. Clothes. Toys. Home goods. The most fantastic snack bar ever - serving Icee drinks and popcorn from open to close. And ooh that smell. Bradlees had this omnipresent scent that was so pervasive it clung to any clothing you bought there through multiple washings and dryings (But you never wanted to throw Bradleeswear in the dryer unless you bought them 3 sizes to big in the first place). I can only assume it was a proprietary fragrance pumped into all warehouses, shipping containers and retail locations. If you, or anyone you know has any information on where I can acquire a bottle of Eu de Bradlee, please reach out and hook a brother up. Until then, I'll be right here waiting for Bradlees Resurrection.